If it's so Wrong, then Why do I Still Love you?
by TheWizardlyWolf
Summary: Steve knows it's wrong for him to love Bucky in the way that he does. It's an illness. Erskine's serum cured everything that was wrong with him, so it must've cured these feelings, too. Right?
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Warning for homophobia typical to the 1930s and 40s and mention of conversion therapy.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

He realized when he was fourteen.

Steve had always cared for Bucky, they were the best of friends. Ever since they met at the age of seven, they were inseparable. As inseparable as they could be, anyway. Bucky was always there for Steve, but Bucky was healthy. He had a life; he had school and friends and even a job, when he got a bit older. Steve spent most of his days in bed, coughing and feverish. Bucky always made an effort to be with Steve whenever possible, but Steve didn't want his best friend to miss out on life just because Steve couldn't keep up.

He loved Bucky too much for that.

It happened in February of 1933. There had been a lot of snowfall overnight, and the temperature was well below freezing. Steve caught pneumonia. He was always especially sick in the winter, but this year seemed worse than usual. His mother, Sarah, was worried sick about him, she did her best to take care of her son but with the long hours she was forced to put in at her job she hardly had time to tend to Steve. Bucky dropped by one day, when Sarah stood crying silently in the kitchen. He knew immediately what was going on; he stepped up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. 'I'll take care of him, Mrs. Rogers.'

The following days were a blur. Steve's fever kept him on the edge of consciousness; he could only vaguely recall the cool cloths placed on his forehead, Bucky's voice encouraging him softly. 'You're gonna be fine, Steve. You're gonna be just fine.'

It lasted nearly four weeks. Bucky stayed with him nearly the whole time, though Steve was too feverish to notice. It was bitterly cold, and Steve seemed to be fading each day. Bucky talked to him, he told him stories and he talked about his family and his job, anything and everything.

He was telling Steve a story about pirates when Sarah entered the room one day. Bucky trailed off mid-sentence. Sarah smiled sadly, sitting by the edge of the bed and softly running her fingers through Steve's hair as he slept. 'You've been taking very good care of him, James. I can't thank you enough.'

Bucky shifted in his seat. 'It's the least I could do, Mrs. Rogers. He's my best friend.'

Sarah's eyes swam with unshed tears. 'And you're his. I hope you know how much he cares for you.' She took a wavering breath. 'James, you know how weak he is. We've never tried covering it up. He's got a strong spirit, but...' her voice trailed off.

'He might not make it.' Bucky finished her sentence. Sarah nodded, dipping her chin down to hide the tears she could no longer keep at bay. 'It'll be okay. No matter what happens. I'll stay with him.'

Sarah kissed Steve's forehead, then pulled Bucky into a tight hug. 'Bless you, child.'

* * *

Steve woke slowly, his mind struggling to push back into consciousness. His eyes didn't want to open; his entire body felt a million times heavier than usual. He took in his surroundings groggily. He was lying in bed, no surprise there. He wondered how long he had been sick this time. It was dark out, must be nighttime. He was deathly thirsty, but he didn't want to wake his mother if it was late. He turned his head to the side and was startled to see Bucky dozing in a chair beside the bed.

'Bucky?' Steve croaked.

Bucky instantly snapped awake. He looked down at Steve for a moment in disbelief, then his face broke into a huge smile. 'I knew you had it in ya, you little punk.'

And that was the moment Steve realized.

He was in love with his best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It was wrong, he knew that.

The preacher at church had delivered enough sermons against it. Men who loved men in that way were ill, and they were going to hell. The Lord hated 'fairies', as they were called, but they could be treated and cured. Steve heard stories whispered among the kids at school: one boy's neighbor who was caught with another man and arrested; another girl's uncle who was sent to be treated for this terrible disease. The doctors cured him, but the girl sat alone at lunch for a few weeks after the story got out.

Steve cried at night. He prayed fervently for his illness to be cured, knowing that his physical illnesses would probably send him to heaven earlier than is fair but this sickness in his mind would surely send him to hell. But nothing worked. He still felt an inexplicable pull to Bucky, still dreamt of Bucky's lips on his.

Most of all, he was afraid for Bucky. Afraid that he would infect his best friend with the sickness in his brain. Everyone said that queers would corrupt those around them, turn them into sinful abominations as well.

So Steve began to withdraw slightly. He still spent most of his time with Bucky, but instead of the roughhousing and casual touches they had shared he did his best to keep Bucky at arm's length. Where before they would lounge on Steve's dingy couch together, listening to the radio while Steve rested his head on Bucky's legs and sketched, Steve now made sure he sat far enough away to where he and Bucky weren't touching. Bucky didn't seem to mind, or even notice, and Steve took comfort in the fact that they were getting older and it wasn't unusual for them to slowly become less affectionate towards each other. Occasionally, though, their shoulders would brush or Bucky would ruffle Steve's hair like he always did, and Steve would have to suppress the swooping feeling in his gut and the rising blush on his skin.

He was fifteen when Bucky flopped onto Steve's bed and announced that he was in love with a girl from school. Steve had known it would happen, Bucky was a normal, healthy young man and he knew that if he lived long enough he would be forced to stand at Bucky's side as his best man, watching his best friend, the boy he loved, marry a woman. Steve knew that this kind of heartbreak was inevitable, and yet he had hoped it would be put off for a few more years.

But Steve was still a good friend, and he listened attentively and patiently when Bucky talked about his first kiss; Steve listened to Bucky mope when he broke up with his girlfriend. More than once. Bucky had a lot of girlfriends over the years.

Steve managed to avoid Bucky's insistent efforts to set him up with a girl for a few years, but a time came when he was eighteen and Bucky refused to take no for an answer. 'C'mon Steve, you've spent most of your life locked indoors. Live a little!' Steve gave in, and he and Bucky went on double dates together often. The dates would inevitably end up with both girls clinging to Bucky's every word, with Steve following invisible in the background. Steve did his best to ignore the jealousy within him, trying to be happy for his friend. But it was hard when he wanted to be the one with his arm looped through Bucky's, he wanted to be the one Bucky kissed on the doorstep as they said goodnight to each other.

Those who say love is hard rarely know the pain that comes from knowing that your love is illegal.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Fear hurts.

Steve knew this because when Bucky announced that he was being shipped overseas to fight in the war Steve felt like he had been stabbed. His chest hurt, he couldn't catch his breath. _You should be glad, _a voice inside him whispered. _No one will know what you feel for him if he isn't around. _But how could he be glad, when the man he loved was being taken thousands of miles away to kill and possibly be killed? Steve cursed his uselessness. If he wasn't this broken he could join Bucky. He could fight for his country with honor. He could keep Bucky safe. But he couldn't. Steve was defective physically and mentally. He tried again and again to convince them to let him join the army, but of course they rejected him. He did a good job of covering up his queerness, but even without that he physically couldn't qualify.

_Perhaps it's for the best, _he thought. _They might have noticed that I'm bent, and I would have to live with the shame of being sent home because I'm perverted._ He couldn't give up, though. He refused to be the only young man who stayed home, while his countrymen laid down their lives in an alien country, surrounded by suffering and death.

* * *

He didn't stop and consider at all when Erskine approached him with the idea. Worst case, he died. That was going to happen anyway, Steve knew he wouldn't last long out in the trenches. He wasn't even sure he could make it through basic training. There was only a small chance of the serum working, but he would take it without hesitation. Erskine said if it worked, every illness Steve suffered from would be cured. _Every _illness.

He had to try.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The serum hurt. His whole body felt like it was on fire, like he was being ripped to shreds. Time stood still, and it was just him and the pain. It felt like an eternity, locked in that damned box, but then suddenly it was over. Steve stepped out and was immediately hit with a wave of _different. _It felt unnatural to be looking at the world from this height, and his lungs felt clear and unhindered as they never had before. _It worked, _he kept thinking. He felt like a new man. And he was, in a way. He was no longer Steve Rogers, the weakling from Brooklyn who spent most of his days feverish and coughing in bed, the boy who the Army refused to accept because he couldn't even do a single pushup. Now he was Steve Rogers, the soldier, the man who would become a rallying point for his countrymen.

* * *

He didn't even notice it when he rescued Bucky. He had been repressing it for over a decade, he was used to pushing those feelings down so deep that no one would notice, no one would find out his secret. It was only after, when the Howling Commandoes were gathered together by the campfire, swapping stories of combat and stories of home, that Steve realized. Bucky was telling a story of when they were kids, all those long years ago in Brooklyn. Bucky told the squad about something embarrassing the two had done, back when they were stupid ten-year-olds, and he let out a howl of laughter and shot a huge grin at Steve. And that was when Steve realized.

Erskine's serum had cured everything.

Steve still loved Bucky, with all his heart.

His love hadn't been cured.

Maybe it hadn't needed to be.

Maybe Steve wasn't sick after all.


End file.
